I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Enjoy the penises
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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