Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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