we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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