I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
