I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We need to get me chipped asap
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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