We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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