Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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