I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
