Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
