We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
PANTIES FOUND
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
