I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
