Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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