I think I died a long time ago.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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