I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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