im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
