Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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