I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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