It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
