Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
