Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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