my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
