I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
