If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
as a side note pls kill me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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