getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
