ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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