Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
