Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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