so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
