Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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