I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
