i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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