At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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