please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize