Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
