so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize