You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
