I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize