Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
