My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
