what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
