Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
