she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
