I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
