And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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