I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
