I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
