what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Randomize
