Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
