you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
