WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
