so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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