eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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