I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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