genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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